How to beat* your cold - five easy tips.

I've noticed a lot of people around school getting sick lately so I thought I'd help out my fellow man (and woman), by writing five of my best keep secrets about waging war on the common cold. After you read this, you'll be shocked and delighted at how easy it is to celebrate victory over that nasty bug.

1. Drink as much green tea and orange juice as humanly possible.

I'm going to start big here -- this is probably the most important one. As soon as I feel myself getting sick, I buy a pack of green tea and about four liters of orange juice (I like Tropicana, but if your cheap, there's no shame in concentrate). Then, I spend the next 8-10 hours ingesting as much of it as I can -- or until I puke.

NOTE: Vomiting is simply your body's way of telling you it has enough nutrients, and now it's time to rest.

Simple! Just drink as much as you can until you feel better. The time it takes you to get better is directly proportional to how much green tea and orange juice you drink -- the two healthiest things on the planet. If you failed to follow tip one, and are now in full fledged sickness (or don't like green tea and orange juice), please read on.

2. Hang around as many healthy people as you can.

It's basic science: you have a limited number of gross sick germs crawling all over you when you're sick -- by hanging around healthy people, the germs your harboring won't be able to resist a fresh host and they'll leave you (naturally making you less sick) and infect others. "But Aaron, won't my friends and family get sick?" Of course they will! But not for long if they follow tip one.

Don't be afraid to go big! A well landed sneeze will get several million bacteria out of your body at once.

NOTE: As a rule of thumb, don't sneeze on anyone bigger than you. I've seen tip two go wrong very quickly.

3. If you do heroin, stop doing heroin.

Heroin is a bad drug. Don't do it. Don't watch Jersey Shore either.

4. Hit up your local tanning salon.

When you tan, the harmful UV rays that cause skin cancer will also kill any bacteria crawling on your body... or mutate them into super-bugs -- I really can't remember. Only do this one if you REALLY need to.

5. Hold in ALL bodily functions - then release.

Remember what I said about your body having a limited number of germs? Here's what you do: don't urinate, defecate, blow your nose, vomit, spit, cry, anything -- until you feel like you can't hold anything anymore. Then, release everything at once (make sure you're near a toilet) and go straight to tip one.

Basically, what you're doing is tricking the infection. You let it build up its little nasty germ army, then you get rid of the entire force in one fell swoop! It's brilliant, I know. And by going back to tip one, you ensure killing any last stragglers that might've.. not quite made it out.



*These methods may not work as well for you as they did for me. Use with caution.